The Sneaky Six: Identity

Welcome back to the Sneaky Six series! The six things that make us pause before we place something in the donate bin are…

1. Potential (use)
2. Investment (cost)
3. Identity (sense of self)
4. Anxiety (control)
5. Obligation (guilt)
6. Loss (grief)

Identity, or sense of self, is for me one of the most fascinating factors that keeps us from letting go of things that no longer serve us.

In our consumerist-driven culture, we use material things to signal to others, and remind ourselves of who we are or aspire to be. The necessary question to ask when parting with Identity Clutter is… Who am I without my stuff? These items are usually wrapped up in feelings of success, or avoiding feelings of inadequacy. They are a poor substitute for self worth. We often cling to identities that we or others have created for ourselves, and after this is reflected in the items we own.

Keeping items based on Identity sounds like this:

• “I’m a huge [Chiefs/Star Wars/The Office] fan… I can’t get rid of any of those items!”
• “Those clothes don’t fit well but they’re designer, I can’t part with them.”
• “I’m an empty nester and I miss being needed by my children… I want to keep these things in case they ask for them.” (in this case, the identity being clung to is provider)
• “But I won all of these awards: Look who I was!”

Quick clarification: Items are only clutter if they are sitting in dusty drawers or boxes. Items that are well card for, displayed and/or used are not clutter. Designer clothes that you wear and love are not clutter, but ones that you are keeping just because of the brand but don’t actually like are most definitely clutter.

Common items that are often kept for too long based on Identity:

• Bumper stickers (subtext: “Let me tell you exactly who I am with my stickers!”)
• Logo/designer clothing that isn’t being worn (“I’m stylish!”)
• Sports team paraphernalia that isn’t being displayed (“I’m a legitimate fan because I own these!”)
• Awards, trophies, plaques, medals (remember, these were in the Investment category as well)
• Collectibles that sit untouched in storage (“These give me status and might be worth something!”)
• Books that you have around only to look smarter (“Look how well read I am!”), or other forms of media (movies, music, etc.)
• Décor/display items that you have to impress instead of enjoy.
• Things that you hope that your adult children will one day ask you for. (if you enjoy your identity as “provider”)
• Trophy spouses (kidding! but also kind of not kidding…)

What we are subconsciously saying when we keep items we don’t truly love or use based on Identity?

• I’m not enough by myself.
• Look at me- I made it! I’m a success!
• I want recognition, and this item sets me apart, or helps me blend in.

In middle school, I acquired and held on to everything I could to do with Buffy the Vampire Slayer, because I loved the show so much! I thought that if I recycled all those posters of the cast that I plastered all over my wall, then I wouldn’t be THE ultimate Buffy fan anymore.

In 2016 (when I first wrote this post), I donated my tap shoes. I hadn’t worn them in 10 years since graduating from theater school. Years before I let go of the tap shoes, I donated my leotards, and scanned/recycled my sheet music… But my tap shoes were the final thing I had to release. Before I was ready to donate them, I worried that the absence of them would be like my entire theater chapter of life never happened. By donating them, was I throwing away that part of myself? Prompted by the need for more space in my tiny apartment at the time, I decided that I didn’t need the tap shoes (and all the other items that I took to the thrift store that day) to be reminded of who I was for a season. The things that make us us don’t really leave. (And if I ever want to tap again… there are so many secondhand dance gear groups on Facebook).

How does one distinguish between what deserves to stay in our homes, and the identity clutter? I ask myself this: Am I keeping this item for internal or external reasons? I strive to keep things that help me feel happy and light, that get used and loved. Maybe for the purposes of Identity, the goal should be simply to subtract items until you feel your worth inherently.

But…

Are you thinking of making heads turn while you shop for a car? Hoping to actually change minds as you add your 25th bumper sticker to the back of your current ride? (Good luck with that). Praying that your massive library of books will assure you and your visitors of how smart you are? Eager for your edgy t-shirt to start a conversation with the right person? Waiting for your children to grow up and ask you for this stuff (which would let you add “provider” or “good parent” to your identity, even though you are probably already both of those things)? Marry somebody to show the rest of ‘em that you still got it? (Zing! Had to).Clutter is a material clue that something needs to be emotionally released. If we acquire something that we don’t truly love just to impress others, it’s clutter. As we release the item, let’s also release the belief that we need it to be somebody. You’re pretty great the way you are. This guy thinks so, and so do I.